Horoscopes

Aries
(March 21-April 19):
That dream you’ve been having lately – the weird one with the squid and the cactus – means something.  Figure it out.

Taurus
(April 20-May 20):
Stay out of the Richmond this week, you will be robbed.  You’ll have better luck in the Panhandle, make nice with the bums.

Gemini
(May 21-June 21):
Today is the day to ask that cutie patootie in your class out.  You will date.  You will marry.  You will bless the earth with many babies.

Cancer
(June 22-July 22):
The alignment of the stars makes it clear that you should call your parents; they have good news for you, in the form of a puppy named Charlie.

Leo
(July 23-Aug. 22):
You will see the Lone Mountain ghost-nun in the mirror, and none of your friends will believe you.

Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Your hairstyle is old news.  Especially if you’re rockin’ the half-shaved head.  Grow out your lion’s mane; just remember to wash it.

Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 23):
You just won a brand new iPhone!  Come to the Foghorn office to collect your prize. Just kidding. This week plays practical jokes on you so be a good sport.

Scorpio
(Oct. 24-Nov. 21):
Erase Andrew Bird from your Pandora stream.  Replace him with Beach House.  You’re welcome.

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
No, your fake ID will not work at that cool new club downtown.  Don’t even try it, chump.

Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
You feel like a social outcast lately.  It’s because you are one.  Start being nicer, and less smelly.

Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Stay away from the cafeteria this week; that stray hair will end up in your sushi roll.  Might I recommend People’s Café on Haight?

Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20):
That itch that you’ve been scratching lately is definitely a rash. Please go to the doctor before you contaminate the rest of the school.

Editor-in-Chief: Heather Spellacy

Chief Copy-Editor: Burke McSwain

Scene Editor: Tamar Kuyumjian

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