Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19):
There’s a $100 dollar bill waiting for you at the top of the Lone Mountain stairs. Give it to a Gemini, they desperately need it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):
A talent scout will spot you in the mall. They represent an Ugly Foot Modeling Agency, so you are just what they are looking for.

Gemini (May 21-June 21):
Your bank account will overdraft this weekend. Get ahold of your spending habits!

Cancer (June 22-July 22):
A shooting star will fall upon the first Wednesday in November. Make a wish, it will come true!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Look in the mirror. You are an image of perfection.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
You will wake up at night and find your roommate smiling at you from their bunk bed. Creeper alert.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23):
Steer clear of all burning can- dles, flaming torches and mailboxes. These things will be inches away from catching your hair on fire.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21):
The person that has been stalk- ing you for the last five months will finally introduce themselves as the future parent of your children. Brace yourself.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
Numbers 5, 13, 24, 32 and 46. Enough said.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
You will come across raccoons in the trees of Harney Plaza. They will chase you to Golden Gate Ave.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Don’t look in the mirror, your reflection keeps breaking it and other people need to use the mirror.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
You will cry and listen to Michael Jackon’s “You Are Not Alone” all night. Sadly, you are alone.

Editor-in-Chief: Heather Spellacy

Chief Copy-Editor: Burke McSwain

Scene Editor: Tamar Kuyumjian

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