Potato Chips, Coughs and Tap Shoes Now Banned From Gleeson Library

Anyone who has spent a considerable amount of time during finals week in Gleeson Library knows that noise can reach unprecedented highs, limiting one’s ability to focus on work. In an effort to stem the growing issue of noise in the library, the Gleeson staff have decided to enact some new policy rules, effective Apr. 1, 2009. These policy changes come as result of the library holding multiple town-hall type forums for students to voice their opinions about the current state of the library and its services.

One of the top complaints about excessive noise in the library had to do with students who choose to consume potato chips while studying. Not only do the bags themselves make for an annoying soundtrack to accompany a person’s studying, but also the gases contained within each bag can be harmful when expelled into the buildings. A recent study of the chemicals contained within the recycled air at Gleeson library show that the gases contained within every bag of Doritos potato chips have raised by a whopping 27 percent. Fortunately, the levels tend to drop off during the rest of the semester, but if in the case that they do rise above the acceptable level then the University might have to declare a state of emergency.

Student Andrew Blurg spoke about his experience during midterms week of the 2009 spring semester. “It was ridiculous. To sit there, trying to finish my coloring book for my graphic design class, amidst the cacophony of rustling potato chip bags and students eating chips. I think it’s sad that students eat those things, not only are they annoying to other people but they are bad for them. It’s just frustrating.”

And so as of Apr. 1, students will no longer be able to transport or consume any potato chips and/or the bags that contain them into the library premises. In addition, if students wish to have potato chips they must stay at least 15 ft away from any of the library walls, so as to minimize the amount of toxins that enter the building’s atmosphere.

There are a few more changes that have come to the Gleeson Library’s policy handbook:

1. Any noise-making articles of clothing are banned: tap shoes, boots, hard soled shoes, corduroys, wet umbrellas, windbreakers and MC Hammer inspired wind pants.

2. Any persons that are sick with symptoms including (but not limited to): sneezing, coughs, ahems (clearing throat), or persons who are prone to sniffles.

Any person(s) found to be partaking in any of the above mentioned activities will be fined and subject to further penalties and possible expulsion.