Growing up, I went to two distinct types of family gatherings. In my American family, whose members live further apart, there were scheduled dinners for holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. We arrived on time and caught up about what we were doing with our lives in the gaps between the gatherings. In my Vietnamese family, most of whose members live relatively close, things were far less formal and more random. My grandma would call on an ordinary Sunday and say, “I made bún riêu. Call Chú, he come pick you up.” A little bit after a given time, my uncle would indeed show up and dinner would be served, with relatives trickling in up to a few hours late. We wouldn’t wait for them to start, but they were welcome whenever they came. Random friends and family who tagged along unannounced would be welcome to eat, too.
There was something laughable about how consistently late some of my relatives were, particularly my uncles. These family gatherings were the only context in which my parents, both of whom were strict about my sister and I being punctual to pretty much everything else, were like, “Eh, that’s how it is.” We jokingly called it “Viet time,” in reference to a satirical term in Vietnamese “giờ cao su,” which translates to rubber or elastic time. Many of my extended family also observed this phenomenon and found my instinctive irritation at their tardiness hilarious.
Over time, what used to be a sense of being slighted by relatives who were chronically late has softened into a different understanding.
The dynamics are different; our family gatherings are few and far in between for my father’s side, so being as present as possible when we do decide to meet is important. My American family shows consideration through time by making it to scheduled appointments and respecting personal space. Also, the whole concept of a family differs in American culture, as intensity of involvement is not only not expected but somewhat unwelcome. Filial piety is not a concept, and rather than being forced into retirement homes, my American grandparents elected to live in one from a cultural conviction of independence.
My Vietnamese family is frequently late but they are available more often than not. Asking for small favors like groceries will almost always be returned. How we show respect for each other and each other’s time isn’t through the formality of etiquette and distance, but warmth and availability, even if this sometimes means a lack of boundaries. With my father’s family, everything is an appointment. Boundaries are carefully kept both emotionally and physically, and asking to stay over at a paternal relative’s place when I could stay at a local hotel would be seen as rude and interfering. With my mother’s family, there is more of a coming and going sense that even though we don’t live together, we are welcome in each other’s spaces as if we were.
For professional things, I think being on time is more uncompromisingly crucial because the other person is expecting something from you, and that is the essential context of your relationship. No matter how cordial you may be with each other, as coworkers you are present to cooperate on completing tasks by playing roles. I ran cross country and track in high school, and I always had to be on time for races because if I wasn’t, I would miss my race. With school, I would miss time to learn if I came late. There is a necessity to be on time for formal contexts for any hope of achieving anything.
But family life is not about achievement, it’s about enjoyment. And when operating with an understanding of flexibility, it’s easier to feel like time is elastic and not take relatives’ lateness personally. I know that although they may not be on time, they will be there for me. For my more distant family, I know they will be on time, but they might not be there for me. Although that sounds harsh, it is a genuine understanding of what a respectful relationship is, especially with not being geographically close as a factor.
It’s not this binary; I do understand keeping appointments as a sign of respect. But, there is something about the rigidity of that respect that speaks to the distant nature of relationships it’s involved with. Ideally, time is treated as valuable and we come when we say we will, even without work in mind. However, within the view of time as valuable is its understanding as a transactional resource, rather than something you just have and give from your heart.
Both approaches to time and respect hold water, but a fluid balance of both works best in today’s mixed world.
Editor-in-Chief: Jordan Premmer, Chief Copy Editor: Sophia McCrackin, Managing Editor: Jordan DelFiugo, Opinion Editor: Dakota Duran, Scene Editor: Elina Graham
