(March 21-April 19):
That dream you’ve been having lately – the weird one with the squid and the cactus – means something. Figure it out.
(April 20-May 20):
Stay out of the Richmond this week, you will be robbed. You’ll have better luck in the Panhandle, make nice with the bums.
(May 21-June 21):
Today is the day to ask that cutie patootie in your class out. You will date. You will marry. You will bless the earth with many babies.
(June 22-July 22):
The alignment of the stars makes it clear that you should call your parents; they have good news for you, in the form of a puppy named Charlie.
(July 23-Aug. 22):
You will see the Lone Mountain ghost-nun in the mirror, and none of your friends will believe you.
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Your hairstyle is old news. Especially if you’re rockin’ the half-shaved head. Grow out your lion’s mane; just remember to wash it.
(Sept. 23-Oct. 23):
You just won a brand new iPhone! Come to the Foghorn office to collect your prize. Just kidding. This week plays practical jokes on you so be a good sport.
(Oct. 24-Nov. 21):
Erase Andrew Bird from your Pandora stream. Replace him with Beach House. You’re welcome.
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
No, your fake ID will not work at that cool new club downtown. Don’t even try it, chump.
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
You feel like a social outcast lately. It’s because you are one. Start being nicer, and less smelly.
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Stay away from the cafeteria this week; that stray hair will end up in your sushi roll. Might I recommend People’s Café on Haight?
(Feb. 19-March 20):
That itch that you’ve been scratching lately is definitely a rash. Please go to the doctor before you contaminate the rest of the school.
Editor-in-Chief: Heather Spellacy
Chief Copy-Editor: Burke McSwain
Scene Editor: Tamar Kuyumjian