Horoscopes

Aries
(March 21-April 19):
Mars is in a full elliptical swing and it’s time for mating season! You’re 20, so this is your dating prime. Find yourself a love interest before it’s too late.

Taurus
(April 20-May 20):
The moon is MIA for you this week, making your mood swings worse than usual. Steer clear of crowds and small children; you never know when all that suppressed anxiety will surface.

Gemini
(May 21-June 21):
Follow the North Star. You will eventually get lost and end up at Civic Center, where you will feel a sudden urge to run for Mayor. Indulge yourself. Gavin Newsom has never been so ready to give you his job.
Cancer

(June 22-July 22):
Saturn’s gravitational pull has increased this week, causing you to feel very disoriented. Double check your email/planner/iCalendar. Otherwise you will accidentally miss a lot of important meetings, classes and therapy sessions.

Leo
(July 23-Aug. 22):
A lioness in Africa has lost one of her cubs, sending negative energy to all Leos. It is your chance to persevere and be optimistic. Make the best of a bad situation. Keep an eye on all of your children and pets.

Virgo
(Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Pluto’s classification as a non-planet resonates with you greatly. Like Pluto, you feel ignored by those that are closest to you. This self-identity crisis is easily fixed: find new friends.

Libra
(Sept. 23-Oct. 23):
Astrologists can’t find any signs in the stars that relate to Libras. This is probably a result of your monotonous existence. Do some soul searching, find a passion and report back when you are less boring.

Scorpio
(Oct. 24-Nov. 21):
A great astronomer once said, “Scorpios will be the first to time travel.” This means that something will happen this week that you will greatly regret. Luckily, at some point in the future you may be able to travel back in time to fix it.

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
An asteroid is whirling towards your constellation and will threaten to change its gravitational pull. Accordingly, you will be faced with a life altering decision. Your lucky number is 73. Do what you will with this information.

Capricorn
(Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
The corn harvest is looking good this fall. Regardless of what you cultivate, it will grow and blossom with gusto. Congratulations.

Aquarius
(Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
In classic aquatic fashion, Aquarii (official plural of Aquarius) are especially attracted to water. This may be a result of severe dehydration or just an urge to swim in the Koret pool. Either way, find yourself some H20 ASAP!

Pisces
(Feb. 19-March 20):
As the 12th astrological sign, you feel obligated to do everything in sets of 12. Whether it be twelve shots of espresso in your latte, 12 twitter updates an hour or 12 words in every sentence, you simply cannot escape the number 12.

Editor-in-Chief: Heather Spellacy

Chief Copy-Editor: Burke McSwain

Scene Editor: Tamar Kuyumjian

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