Aries (March 21-April 19): Mars is in the fourth house, causing chaos and turbulence throughout the world. Use this as an excuse when the police come to arrest you for the series of murders you committed.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Not just this week, but forever, you are the awesomest. The world falls at your feet. You are successful in everything you do, you have thousands of friends, fans, and lovers, and you are officially a genius. There can be no advice for you, just congratulations.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): The entire world thinks you are a complete loser. Take advantage of this; it’s not often you can consistently and effortlessly meet everyones’ expectations for you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): You have cancer. Come on, you can’t say you didn’t see that coming at some point in your life.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Take the opportunity to check CollegeHumor.com’s “Roommate Confessions” this week. It may explain why your shampoo smells funny.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Watch your finances, or your propensity for spending your parent’s money at the Westfield Mall may leave you stranded in the Tenderloin at night without taxi fare. The 31 won’t come. It never does.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): True to the Libra’s status as a “scale,” you will find that the myth of the freshman 15 doesn’t apply to you. The freshman 150 is more accurate.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): This week will be the same as last week. Which will be the same as the week before that. And every week of the rest of your life. Your life is so monotonous that weekly horoscopes are irrelevant to you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Follow your nose, and you’ll find fortuitous circumstances awaiting you everywhere. That is, unless you’re actually an Ophiuchus, the thirteenth and unpronounceable sign of the Zodiac. If that’s the case, following your nose will only lead to brick walls. Too bad.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): After finding yourself strolling down memory lane, take the time to reconnect with old high school buddies. They will be ten times more successful than you are, and they won’t remember you. Hey, a little self-loathing is good for motivation and improvement.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Be cautious for a change. You will learn the hard way when one of the Terms of Use agreements you carelessly click through will result in the ultimate loss of your credit card information, your right to privacy and your soul.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Hang on tight, no matter how rough the going gets. Someone will eventually find you dangling from the sill of your dorm window.. in a week or two. Now do you regret choosing a single room?
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